All I want for Mother’s Day is a Day to Myself

Your brain cells are in total shock yet also slightly intrigued. Do you dare read on? Why yes, Mama Bear, you sure as hell need to.

Tell the Men in your life to look no further because I have the perfect gift in mind for  Mothers Day. Skip the spa gift card because I already have one stuck to a melted fruit snack in the armpit of my wallet that you gave me back in 2015. Also, those flowers that are going to die in two weeks are absolutely gorgeous, but are yet, another thing I have to take care of before the wilting begins and they slowly shrivel to their imminent death at the bottom of a trash can. Nail, salon, hair and beauty appointment gift certificates are great, but let’s face it… that will get done multiple times a year no matter which Holiday or bank account it comes from. And the jewelry, well that is a whole different story ; )

Your Mother’s Day cards say that you don’t know how we do it all and how much you admire our beauty inside and out. You look at us and see a constantly moving train that doesn’t stop until it is forced to take a quick cat nap on the tracks. You see this beauty in us that seems effortless like a duck gliding through water. But what you don’t see is how fast our feet are paddling underneath just to stay afloat. If Mother’s Day is a Day to celebrate the great Moms that we are, then the best gift you could ever give us would be the gift to experience what you all see and enjoy in us.

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A Letter to my 20-Something Self

Dear 20-Something Christi:

Put down your frosted lip gloss, stop back-combing your jet black/platinum blonde hair and toss that Ed Hardy shirt aside because WE NEED TO TALK. This is your 30 Something self coming in hot, and you- my grungy babe with the heavy black winged eyeliner, are in for a comeback hotter than a scrunchy tied to a crop top. Future you is coming up on the ripe old age of 32 and I need to talk to you about your 20-something life. But please don’t throw your VonDutch trucker hat at me in anger, because shit is about to go down.

In your world it is 2009. You’re 21 going on 22 and you’re almost ready to graduate from college with your Bachelor’s Degree. You have grand plans to become the most incredible Business Woman with your Business Degree and your fancy pant suit you borrowed from Tina down the hall. Plus, you’ve seen Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion like 50 times so you’ve pretty much got this whole Business Woman thing (and post-it note thing) in the bag. You’ve got your new job all lined up and you don’t even have to start making payments on your student loans for like 3 months! Ahhhh freedom is a mere iPod Shuffle skip away and you can hear the independence of adulthood ringing louder than a Nextel Chirp. You’re stoked to finally become a TRUE adult and have all of your childish problems go away so you can have steady, grown up ones instead.

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I Hope You Fail

 

look omg GIF

YOU: “What did she just say?”

ME: “Hear me out, because it all stems from a place of concern and love for you, your emotional and giddy New Year’s Resolutional state, and your Pinterest board labeled -Baby Got Back-2019 Fitspiration.”

As the New Year approaches and resolutions are flying through your head like your toddler flying through the house after hearing the chip bag being opened, you’re wondering what your NEW ME will look like this year. Which goal are you going to conquer as the NEW YOU juts out your Wonder Woman bosom with a diaper in one hand and a barbell in the other and scream “DIE, BABY SHARK!!” You’re scavenging your mind in hopes to find the perfect plan of action for a more self confident, patient, organized and stronger version of yo-bad-self.

My biggest hope in all of this life changing glory my friend, is that you fail.

I’m talkin’ face in the dirt, cry your heart out, throat punched by a kangaroo, titty twister until your nipple falls off… FAIL!

So let’s get started, shall we?

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Mean Girls- We know them, We are them

Mean Girls.

mean girls movie GIF

Hilarious movie, but not so fetch in real life.

We’ve all been victimized by them, but we’ve also been one at some point in our lives. We hate being the source of their hella-viscous attacks, yet ironically join in for the kill when the queen drags in a bleeding carcass. I can speak from both ends of my mouth about this because I am a recovering mean girl. I wanted to get off my terrifyingly rocky and gossip filled tug boat to board that stable badass-babe-tribe cruise line full of support and love instead.

Our favorite female catalysts flood our social feeds with inspiring and uplifting stories about women conquering the world together. We give an overwhelming HELL YEAH and pump our fist to the sky and swear off all negativity from here on out. But when it comes down to the real-life, nitty gritty, in the moment, ride or die confrontation; that’s when our claws come out.

No … scratch that. that’s when our INSECURITIES come out.

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“I’m Failing as a Mom”

“I’m Failing as a Mom.”

Does this thought run through your head more often than you toddler wants to run through the house naked?

I hear you, Mama. It is a constant deliberation on repeat in my head, too. I get it. You’re struggling HARD and you feel like you’re doing it all wrong. Nothing seems to be going right and you feel like you’re drowning in 2 feet of water at all times.

Let me guess, this is probably how your day started:

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Confessions from a Millennial Mom

Why yes, I do have my phone out and no, I will not put it down to “enjoy the moment.”

HOLY CONTROVERSY CITY OVER HERE!

Whoa whoa whoa, pump the brakes my friend and let me explain this thought process to you.

It was Labor Day weekend in Boyne, Michigan and my Husband and I were on a weekend get-a-way to celebrate a wedding and play golf. As we were waiting to head up the mountain to tee off, the starter at the golf course looked at me while I was on my phone and said “You kids always have your phones on you and you can never really enjoy the moment, can you?”

I’m sorry, what in the beloved mother of ducks did you just say to me, sir? My head was spinning and I was down about two Bailey’s and Coffee at this time and was ready to hurl a waterfall of insults back in this Baby Boomer’s left ear-hole.

However, being the kindhearted Millennial I am, I just gave him the stank eye instead and decided to listen to his reasoning.

He started with his “Well back in my day…” dramatization and took me on a stroll down memory lane. I took a deep retrospective breath and politely smiled at him as I prepared the Oscar-winning intellectual argument of the century in my head.

After hearing his side, I took it upon myself try to understand where he was coming from and hope that he could do the same for me. I wanted to try and learn something from this man and take away a piece of knowledge that I could use in the future. Millennials are cool like that; even the older ones like me. In turn, I realized that I had learned something from Vocal Victor after all, and it was something quite unexpected.

I learned that I need to stop apologizing for being a Millennial and living in my time.

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